Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
You Might Also Like
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I unironically love this joke.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Finally!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.