Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me irl
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.