Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Yeah. This was me today.