@SondraDeeMe

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

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@IAmBustyRusty

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

@traciebreaux

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

@weinerdog4life

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
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Me: what

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@TheAlexNevil

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

@ju_floripa

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@david8hughes

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.