@IAmBustyRusty My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
@SondraDeeMe Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
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@IAmBustyRusty 
@Brianhopecomedy Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
@traciebreaux My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
@weinerdog4life Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
@deathoftheparty read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@JermHimselfish A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
@TheAlexNevil 12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
@ju_floripa If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
@chuuew ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
@david8hughes Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.