[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.