Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
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ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.