Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear