me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.