ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky