Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
You Might Also Like
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It鈥檚 so-
Whale: don鈥檛 you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it鈥檚 MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
It鈥檚 okay, bra. I鈥檓 ready to snap any minute now too
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn鈥檛 it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody鈥檚 home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
hyundai called it sonata because it鈥檚 sonata good car
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it鈥檚 a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
God, I love Scotland
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.