Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first