Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying