me irl
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Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Digital security in Ancient Troy