Me irl
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.