Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.