Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
japanese corn
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.