Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When libraries troll their patrons.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.