ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls