ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
No chill.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.