ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.