Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
😂🤣😂🤣
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.