Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!