Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.