ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
even bears disappoint their mothers
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
An odd boast
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak