Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
necessity is the mother of invention
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.