Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
You Might Also Like
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–