Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
😂😂
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.