me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t