Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Baller is short for ballerina
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win