Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.