Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.