ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
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“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Still laughing at this stupid meme
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.