ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
this has done me in for some reason
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
won’t smith
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.