Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened