Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists