me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo