me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]


I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.


Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.


I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.


Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what


Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.


When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying