[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying