Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”