ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I just ran a .003048K
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*seductively corrects your posture*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.