Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!