Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire