Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.