Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese