Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT