@dadbodcherry ‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
@ArfMeasures ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
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@dadbodcherry 
@KonaSlater ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
@daddygofish Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
@SamSkinnerKC Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
@Swishergirl24 I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
@3dnzoo I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
@urgeekisshowing I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
@Not_From_Troy My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
@HlessHman [inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
@FailShark I have also decided to not buy Twitter.