Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Just a bush.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

I love wikipedia

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.