Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

You Might Also Like


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*


Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.


Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving


I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.


there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball


The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.


I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567


I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.


George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.



My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie