@MelvinofYork

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

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@StinkyGr33n

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

@KrunkedRobot

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

@hunbothered

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

@sidneelyn

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

@Tmoney68

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@HomeProbably

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

@Jake_Vig

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

@meantomyself

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie