Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat