Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.