ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Meow?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat