Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Me irl
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Nomnomnomnom
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.