Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
the council will decide your fate
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?